Life recently has been feeling like a treadmill, I’m running but not going anywhere. I don’t see the progress until I get off and notice my legs are sore. Life can often feel like an effortless race we’re constantly running but don’t know where we’re going. I feel scared of the future because I’m in a good place, I’m scared of everything changing. And I think I’m so used to things changing in my life, and so used to having to quickly adapt to everything life throws at me that the moment everything is good, I feel insecure and feel like I’m not doing enough and I don’t deserve to be in a good place. I feel so insecure about the fact that I got into a great school and that my entire future will be different in less than a year. I guess I’ve been so used to the fact that I always had to prove something, I always had to keep going. I’m not used to just stopping at looking at the work that I did because I feel like I’m not good enough to take this break. I’m somewhat caught between two ropes because on one hand, I feel extremely confident and I know that this new change will be good for me and that I’ll go for. But on the other hand, what if everything that’s constant right now completely changes and I wont be the same person or know the same people anymore? I feel weird saying it, but I’m scared of being in a good place. I think all of us are so caught up in trying to be okay, trying to reach for some goal or prove something to someone, that once we do it, all of a sudden all that effort doesn’t matter anymore and we’re already on the next thing. Life is constantly running a treadmill but only noticing you’ve been going far when getting off. Which is why during this time, I’ve been telling myself that its okay to feel like this. This is all the realizations of the journey so far hitting me. And thats okay. I have to realize my mental state right now before I worry about how it will be in the future. This is me, taking a pause acknowledging all I have done and all I have left to do. No more chasing one goal, no more dwelling on an old goal, this is me just being where I am. Stopped on the treadmill. No more running until my legs recover. Love you.
March 27th 2020